As I stated a couple days ago I have been feeling like I'm living
someone else's life. I believe I have been in a metaphorical sense. I
have been living out my flesh's desires. My flesh's greatest desire has
always been to be left alone, truly alone so I do not have to feel the
pressure or pain that comes from relationships. To be truly alone. God
was not done with me yet and so his love remained with me. I have been
immensely selfish but still desiring to help people. I look back at who I
was in Australia, or was becoming at least. That person was not
charismatic but caring. I seem to think I need to fit in when in reality
I just need to care. The problem with caring is what I've been trying
to avoid, it takes being vulnerable and risking something. Truly since I
have gotten back I have wanted to do nothing but take. I have required
others to make at least most of the effort in friendship. I have wanted
nothing other than to get from others and had limited interest in giving
other than what the impulse to love was causing me to. I cared not that
who I left but demanded that those that wanted to be my friends prove
it. It is true that when I initially returned I made some effort but it
was short lived. It would not have been bad if it had been only
temporary but it has lasted this long. I am sure I have alienated some
and caused others to drift by my lack of effort. The solution to this is
simply to recognize one thing, that God does not need me but I need
God. While we should not be all take from God there is nothing we can
give Him but ourselves that really matter. God wants us to rely on Him
and out of that reliance we live and breath and have our meaning as Paul
said. My problem has always been almost a reverse of this in that I
thought I had to give God something and I should not be greedy with Him.
But to truly get all of God that you can means to get as close to Him
as you can. It is the same sort of greed you have with someone you are
in love with. You want as much of them as you can have to the point of
obsession. This is natural and if it is missing people will question
your love. To get more in both cases requires work, but it is work that
is gladly accomplished to get the prize.
The other way in which I am not living my life is that this is not the
life I want. I live by myself in an apartment larger than I would want. I
have both been taken from the life I want and placed in normality. I
never wanted normality nor do I plan to stay here. I do not even have
the benefits of normality in that I am not married at this age. This is
the easier one to tackle as it offers the opportunity to both grow in
the normal skills and give me a goal to get out of.
On another subject I have just watched "Courageous" and have decided to
make resolutions. My goals: be friendly to people even if they may not
be friendly back, be a steward of all I am responsible for, be as
ethical as possible, and help anyone that may need help. How does this
break down in my mind at the moment:
1. Learn names. Say hi if possible. Make people know you are happy to
see them by smiling. Have appropriate physical contact. Do these in
spite of possible rejection. Compliment/encourage. Be authentic. Note
that these do not require even asking how they are doing or doing them
every time.
2. Be an excellent (not good) employee. Track and manage finances.
Maintain and use physical property wisely. Take care of your body and
any other body you are responsible for. Improve myself in spirit, mind
and body. Manage time wisely.
3. Follow any morals that I believe to be right even if it makes me unpopular or causes loss. Aim for purity.
4. Apply the love languages to those around me as able (linked to #1).
Be available to people for whatever need I can help with. Be a beacon of
hope by remaining optimistic.
In the end I am trying to be a better man. I have broken down manhood
into three levels. Level 1: A man can take responsibility for himself.
This level would be declared by traditional standards and be promoted by
a bar mitzah, college, turning 18, or other experience where a male is
told literally or symbolically that he will be judged as an adult. In
western society this is confusing. Level 2: A man can take
responsibility for others in his direct control. This would be symbolic
of when one is actually independently responsible for themselves. This
is the point where traditionally one would have achieved a status where
whomever is in charge allows them to take a wife and start producing a
family. Keep in mind that not everyone that takes a family in modern
times has achieved this level of responsibility. Level 3: A man can take
responsibility for others beyond his direct control. This is point
where one has become the leader of other level 2 men. Note that this is
not all leaders as some may only be managers as John Maxwell clarified.
In the end I aim to be a level 3 as I believe all men should. I have
never truly wanted to be a leader but I have always known I was meant to
be one and so desired it. By following this simple code I may achieve
my calling. Its all up to God though.
