My Thoughts on This Morn

As I stated a couple days ago I have been feeling like I'm living someone else's life. I believe I have been in a metaphorical sense. I have been living out my flesh's desires. My flesh's greatest desire has always been to be left alone, truly alone so I do not have to feel the pressure or pain that comes from relationships. To be truly alone. God was not done with me yet and so his love remained with me. I have been immensely selfish but still desiring to help people. I look back at who I was in Australia, or was becoming at least. That person was not charismatic but caring. I seem to think I need to fit in when in reality I just need to care. The problem with caring is what I've been trying to avoid, it takes being vulnerable and risking something. Truly since I have gotten back I have wanted to do nothing but take. I have required others to make at least most of the effort in friendship. I have wanted nothing other than to get from others and had limited interest in giving other than what the impulse to love was causing me to. I cared not that who I left but demanded that those that wanted to be my friends prove it. It is true that when I initially returned I made some effort but it was short lived. It would not have been bad if it had been only temporary but it has lasted this long. I am sure I have alienated some and caused others to drift by my lack of effort. The solution to this is simply to recognize one thing, that God does not need me but I need God. While we should not be all take from God there is nothing we can give Him but ourselves that really matter. God wants us to rely on Him and out of that reliance we live and breath and have our meaning as Paul said. My problem has always been almost a reverse of this in that I thought I had to give God something and I should not be greedy with Him. But to truly get all of God that you can means to get as close to Him as you can. It is the same sort of greed you have with someone you are in love with. You want as much of them as you can have to the point of obsession. This is natural and if it is missing people will question your love. To get more in both cases requires work, but it is work that is gladly accomplished to get the prize.
The other way in which I am not living my life is that this is not the life I want. I live by myself in an apartment larger than I would want. I have both been taken from the life I want and placed in normality. I never wanted normality nor do I plan to stay here. I do not even have the benefits of normality in that I am not married at this age. This is the easier one to tackle as it offers the opportunity to both grow in the normal skills and give me a goal to get out of.
On another subject I have just watched "Courageous" and have decided to make resolutions. My goals: be friendly to people even if they may not be friendly back, be a steward of all I am responsible for, be as ethical as possible, and help anyone that may need help. How does this break down in my mind at the moment:
1. Learn names. Say hi if possible. Make people know you are happy to see them by smiling. Have appropriate physical contact. Do these in spite of possible rejection. Compliment/encourage. Be authentic. Note that these do not require even asking how they are doing or doing them every time.
2. Be an excellent (not good) employee. Track and manage finances. Maintain and use physical property wisely. Take care of your body and any other body you are responsible for. Improve myself in spirit, mind and body. Manage time wisely.
3. Follow any morals that I believe to be right even if it makes me unpopular or causes loss. Aim for purity.
4. Apply the love languages to those around me as able (linked to #1). Be available to people for whatever need I can help with. Be a beacon of hope by remaining optimistic.
In the end I am trying to be a better man. I have broken down manhood into three levels. Level 1: A man can take responsibility for himself. This level would be declared by traditional standards and be promoted by a bar mitzah, college, turning 18, or other experience where a male is told literally or symbolically that he will be judged as an adult. In western society this is confusing. Level 2: A man can take responsibility for others in his direct control. This would be symbolic of when one is actually independently responsible for themselves. This is the point where traditionally one would have achieved a status where whomever is in charge allows them to take a wife and start producing a family. Keep in mind that not everyone that takes a family in modern times has achieved this level of responsibility. Level 3: A man can take responsibility for others beyond his direct control. This is point where one has become the leader of other level 2 men. Note that this is not all leaders as some may only be managers as John Maxwell clarified.

In the end I aim to be a level 3 as I believe all men should. I have never truly wanted to be a leader but I have always known I was meant to be one and so desired it. By following this simple code I may achieve my calling. Its all up to God though.

Drive

I don’t want another day not knowing what I want. I don’t want another empty prayer. I want to know what is real. Help me find my place in you God. Only you can remove my sorrow. I am lost without you, but even with you there’s something missing. I need more of you, that thing that seems so distant. Purpose. Passion. A true desire for you. I am nothing without but even with you there is something missing. I have you but my pursuit is missing. There is so much more of you but my desire is limited. How cannot want what you have, except at the moment I simply don’t want much. I am content also to complacency and have little drive for the things of greatness. I need more of you but why should you give it.

I have squandered those things that you have given me. Not appreciated your blessings. I have dismissed saints and opportunities when they did not suit my interest. I am coming back to myself but what I am finding is little. Little passion. Little drive. Simplicity. However this littleness may be just what I need. Stability and a relationship that isn’t emotionally based, where one day I love God and the next I don’t feel like doing much. Perhaps in this I have finally grown to be used as a mature example of the faith. I do desire God but it is not impassioned, but boldness does increase. Fear is dissipating. Fear has been the hindering emotion in the past. Fear has been my companion much more than passion. Perhaps one could almost say that my passion was fear. Fear of rejection, fear of the unknown. Fear of success or failure. Fear of getting close.

I have little to lose at this point. But perhaps out of that little I will gain everything. It is time to choose. This choice will not be one of compulsion but of knowledge. A stable knowledge. For emotions are unstable but knowledge is. For knowledge is factual and emotions change with the wind.

Perhaps what is missing is that fact has escaped me and I must choose a fact. That love is what I truly want and love is what I get with God. That love is where true passion and purpose come from.

I don’t have much but what I have is a desire for greater things.

Works of God and God Himself are what brings greatness in.

For works of flesh are vain indeed and passion of flesh the same.

I choose life and love and grace, for these rejuvenate me.